


There is a light that never goes out

by wordsandfigures



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Season/Series 09 Spoilers, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-19 22:06:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2404559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsandfigures/pseuds/wordsandfigures
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Then he hears it, Sam praying to him. He sounds frantic and Cas just has the time to feel sorry for him when Sam says something about Dean disappearing, how he was dead but now he’s gone and hope flairs up inside Cas. He tells Hannah he has to go, she doesn’t understand but the steel in his voice when she tries to stop him gives her pause. He tells her to take over for him while he’s gone and then he’s back on earth and dialing Sam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There is a light that never goes out

**Author's Note:**

> Beware of the warning. There's major character death in this. And it's some none too graphic violence, but violence none the less.
> 
> First fic I've ever posted, be nice! Unbetad.

He doesn’t want to be a leader. He doesn’t want to lead this army of wingless angels back to heaven. He doesn’t want to be their pillar of hope. He had already shown immense restraint in not killing Metatron then and there. But who will lead them if not him? Who will make sure that heaven won’t go back to the way things were before? He knows how power works, how it corrupts to the bone. He had thought himself the New God before and he brought devastation on heaven like no one ever had. Well, now Metatron had done worse than him, but he still bore half of that burden. He won’t let his will to do right corrupt him again. He will set things straight and he will let the grace floating inside him run its course. Burn him out.

He has already been burned out. Metatron put a sword through Dean’s heart and there’s no point denying it to himself anymore. He _did_ do it all for Dean. He disobeyed and got cut off from heaven, all for Dean and since then, all has been for him. He tried to save him, he tried to redeem himself for him, he tried to protect him and once again he failed Dean.

The words are still ringing in his head “But guess what, he’s dead too.”

Dean Winchester, dead. The man whose soul burned so bright even in the darkest pits of hell. The soul he had saved and claimed and brought back to life. The one who had fascinated him from the start. His lack of faith and his inability to accept _anything_ as predestined. The man who tore up the prophesies of God. The man who made him believe in free will. Dean has suffered severely for it, for all the things he’d done to keep people safe, to keep the world as it is. There is, _was,_ so much Cas wanted to tell him. About how he needed to understand that he did deserve good things in life. That he was allowed to feel, that he was allowed to be something so much better than what his father thought he could be.

He wishes he had told him. Cas knew, somewhere deep down, beyond the admiration and respect he held for the man, it was love. It was always love driving him and it had been so hard to understand and define that feeling. Cas had never truly loved in the human sense of the word. He felt love for his Father, for His creations. He felt love towards his brothers and sisters. But this kind of love, this was something completely different and it had taken a lot of time for him to understand that feeling spreading in his gut when he was close to Dean, when he thought of him, when he was afraid for him.

He had wanted to tell Dean for a long time. He wanted his last words in Purgatory to be it, “I love you”. But then, when he had let go of Dean’s hand he couldn’t do it. He had seen the hurt in Deans’ eyes and he had been stunned into silence. He had thought that it would be the last time he saw Dean then. That his chance had come and gone and he accepted it. He prepared to die, but again, he was saved and back in Dean’s world and still he couldn’t say it.

He wonders how much Naomi knew. If she had dipped into all those secrets buried deep within him. She knew his weakness, he had been trained to kill Dean specifically after all. But he hopes she never saw all of it, the extent of it. He wouldn’t want anyone else to have that, to know these things about him when Dean never got to. Even if Naomi is dead now and it doesn’t really matter anymore what she knew, the thought makes anger flair up inside him.

He never told him. He never dared. He was too afraid that Dean’s upbringing, his repression of those parts of his sexuality would make it impossible. Would make Dean push him out of his life completely, and no matter how cowardice it may seem, he’d rather have some part of Dean’s life, than none.

But now, he would give so much for the chance to have at least told him. Maybe Dean would never have acknowledged the- thing between them, but at least Cas would have done it, would have gotten the chance to put it into words, to really touch that feeling. However sad it would have made him in the end, at least he would have had the joy of putting all those feelings into the light. To be completely honest with himself – and Dean, for the first time. It was too late now and even with millennia of life behind him, he just doesn’t know how to pick himself up after this.

So he will do what he can for heaven and for Sam. He will open heaven back up, allowing the human souls in again. He’ll see what he can do for Sam, if there’s any way to ease the pain of losing the only family he had left. And maybe then he might find Dean in heaven, see what his heaven looks like until the grace in him burns him out and maybe this time, it’s oblivion at last.

Then he hears it, Sam praying to him. He sounds frantic and Cas just has the time to feel sorry for him when Sam says something about Dean disappearing, how he was dead but now he’s gone and hope flairs up inside Cas. He tells Hannah he has to go, she doesn’t understand but the steel in his voice when she tries to stop him gives her pause. He tells her to take over for him while he’s gone and then he’s back on earth and dialing Sam.

Sam doesn’t know anything, he has no idea what’s happened but he thinks it has something to do with the Mark of Cain. Cas doesn’t know much about it either, the tales of the mark and of Cain is clouded by myths and half-truths and he has no idea where to start picking the loose ends.  
He tells Sam to stay in the bunker, to find out as much as he can about the Mark among the Men of Letters’ material and he’ll be there as soon as he can.

The bunker is a few hours away and he has to stop for gas and it’s annoying. His head is filled with visions of what might have come of Dean, of what he is now and how he’s changed. He knew that the mark would change Dean. He had seen it happen already, but to return from the dead? How is he now? What is he? Cas just wants to start looking, to find Dean, to see for himself that he is alive and well, but he knows they have no way of knowing where to start, so he gets back in his car and drives to Sam and hopefully some answers.

Sam looks horrible, eyes red and puffed and still wearing the bloodied clothes from the night before. He gives Cas a quick hug and then he’s off, Dean just wasn’t there anymore. He tried summoning Crowley, but he never came and now Dean is gone and “He was dead Cas, he really was.”

Crowley. Of course. Crowley had known more about the blade than he let on. Rage flairs up inside Castiel at that thought. Crowley had planned for this. Knew something like this would happen. Jealousy hits him like a punch to his guts right then. This is why Crowley had gotten so close, why Dean seemed to almost trust Crowley more than him. The blade has changed something between the two of them and now Crowley had him.

Cas tries to calm Sam, even though he doesn’t feel anywhere near calm himself. He explains that it has to be Crowley, that they need to find him to find Dean and Cas has never missed his wings as much as he does in this moment.

Weeks pass. The angels call on him time and again. Pleads for him to come back and help them, but he can’t, not now. He makes a quick visit to heaven to speak to his siblings and instate Hannah as their new leader. They aren’t happy with him, he can tell, but no one dares to speak, he guesses the way that were all fooled by Metatron before had made them accept Castiel’s judgment a lot easier.

From what he and Sam has learned while investigating the blade they both know that when they finally find Dean again, (they have to find him, he refuses to imagine anything else) he won’t be the Dean they know. They haven’t really stopped to research how to change him back, and maybe that’s foolish but none of them care.

_________

It takes months until they finally find him. The mask of the Demon over Dean’s face is terrifying to see. Once he had seen beauty in the face of a demon. Back when his mind was clouded by the burdens of hell and torment, he had seen beauty in Meg, now all he sees in Dean’s demon is wrongness. His Righteous Man hidden behind the face of a demon. Of a Knight and he wants to crush Crowley, make him pay for what he corrupted.

But Crowley is not there. Of course he isn’t. He would not put himself in Cas’ path, in front of his fury for what he has done.  
Dean is here and Sam only sees the face of his brother. That’s why Sam doesn’t hesitate to walk up to him, to hug him tight. Sam is aware that Dean is not himself but the love he has for his brother makes him ignore his instincts, and for that he gets flung into a wall, knocked unconscious by the force of it.

Dean focuses his stare on Cas then. His green eyes flick to black when they stare into each other’s eyes and then he’s thrown to the floor. Dean is on him, punching him and laughing with the force of it. Telling him how he was always wrong. How Dean would never amount to the good man Cas thought he was. How he was always going to end up a demon and it didn’t matter whatever Cas did to get him out of hell, because here he was now. A spawn of Hell itself. The hits and kicks are vicious and it sends Cas flying all over the room. He is bloodied and bruised and when he finally releases his blade to try to defend himself Dean lets out a short laugh.

“So, you will try to kill me now, Angel?” he smirks. “Can you do it though? Can you kill the face of the man you love?”

Cas freezes. So he knew then. How long? It doesn’t matter now. Dean knew, at least he has that. One less regret to take to his death. The Demon will use it now, but at least Dean knew.

“Oh, you didn’t think I noticed huh?” He lets out a short laugh at that. “I knew, probably before you did. I just – didn’t like to think about it. Made me sick to have _corrupted_ an angel of the lord. The shame, Cas, I was so ashamed of your feelings for me.”

It hurts. Cas knows how Dean had always been wrapped up in shame and guilt. How he had always put the blame on him for everything, regardless if the guilt was his or not.

“Too bad really, we could have had some good times if I hadn’t been so wrapped up in my denial. I could have fucked my good little angel and make you plead for more, couldn’t I?” He tilts his head and regards Cas, narrowing his eyes. “I bet I still could.”

Cas takes a sharp breath and is suddenly filled with rage. The words spilling out of Dean’s mouth, so vile and hurtful. The sneering smile and those crinkles around his eyes that used to be endearing is now nothing but enhancing the horrible tainted mess that is his demon face.

He stands up slowly. His blade in his hand and he can feel the remnant of his burned out wings flicker and unfurl behind him. The grace, not his but still coursing strong in his veins build and glows.

“You, Dean, you are the Righteous Man. You are not meant to be a Knight of Hell. This is not what was meant for you. I will not allow it.”

Dean seems unimpressed with his display of angelic rage. He lifts an eyebrow.

“And how do you intend to stop me huh, Cas? You’re not strong enough to hurt me anymore you know.”

Cas smiles a humorless smile back at him.

“I am, and I will.”

Then he runs at Dean, smashes into him with the force of his grace, the sharpness of his blade and the fierceness of his love. He tugs and slashes and hurts and lets his all aid him, he uses his powers in ways he never thought possible and he can feel how the darkness in Dean rips apart. Dean is screaming, the agony of the tortured in his sounds and it hurts Cas, but he rips and tears without mercy.  His grace is chasing the darkness in Dean and every corner it tries to hide in, Cas finds and cuts it out. Dean is a bloodied mess on the floor when Cas finally sees it. The brightness of the soul he once saved from hell and the eyes looking up at him is again the eyes of his Dean. Of the one he fought alongside so many times. Dean is looking up at him and he’s crying.

“Cas, please. Help me. I need you.”

Cas crouches down, takes the bloodied mess of a body in his arms and he weeps. Mumbles out a whisper of Dean’s name.

Dean closes his eyes, swallows. “Thank you, Cas. I could not fight it, it was me, but it wasn’t. Thank you. Thank you. I love you, Cas.”

The words punch right through him. The weight of what he has done and what he has to do.

“And I you, Dean.” He says as he lets his grace rip through Dean’s body again. Ripping him apart and making the darkness burn out into smoke and nothingness, rips the glowing soul out of the man in his arms.

This is all he can do, what he must do for the darkness of the First Blade not to win.

He hears Dean pleading to him, to take care of Sam when he’s gone. He hears a tone of understanding, of forgiveness in Dean’s voice for what Cas is about to do. He promises, even though he knows he’s lying. He will not be able to take care of Sam when this is over, but he wants Dean to have some peace before his death.

The power of his grace is pulsing through him now. Bending and curving around the soul in his grasp. Parting it from its body and sending it through the veil, punching a hole through the block to heaven and makes sure it’s welcomed there, brings it to Bobby and leaves it.

The body of the man he loved lies cold in his arms and he sends a last simmering thought into Sam, still knocked out on the floor. Tells him that his brother is freed, that he’s in heaven and won’t be hurting anymore.

Then it feels like his body is emptied. All his powers and his being are dripping out of him. He imagines a pool of it on the floor around him. He kisses the lips he never got to kiss when they were still alive, but he smile nonetheless. He saved his Righteous Man and he is ready to leave. Death comes to him then. The ancient being smiles softly at him and nods when he asks if this is it, if he will stay gone this time. He asks where he is going but Death doesn’t say, just tells him that it is for him to see for himself.

Relief is filling him when Death takes him and walks him through. This is it then. It’s finally over.

 


End file.
